Get by.

I’ve suddenly lost all motivation to do anything. 
I need to shower. My room’s a junkyard. Hazel’s hungry. I’m hungry. Marty’s gone untouched for days now. Poor thing. You need new strings. Baby, how I neglect you. I like short sentences.

I was gonna write a hate post on my newly aquired computophage on my perishing laptop and all those lowlife virus makers out there, but I’ve lost motivation to do that too.  I am discovering,  however, that grassy folk music is hypnotic to the apathetic soul. And Keane.

I have writers block- but not because I am a blank page on thoughts, but because I am suffering from sensory overload, an inability to make sense and put together all the pieces of my cluttered thoughts and the bizarre sequence of events that defines my life at the moment. 

Ergo, the short, disconnected paragraphs.  I used to hate people who used the word “ergo”. There’s just something so pompous and assuming about that word. Why can’t you just say “so” or “therefore”, you show-off douchbag?? I know, give me some zoloft.

This post is progressively becoming the most useless post ever.

Okay, lets salvage what I can of it.  Despite this day being unbelievably unproductive- my one accomplishment being that I made it to my lab and grew some homemade staphys- I did run into an event that nudged my damp, thoughtless day.  There was some kind of global peace festival going on on-campus hosted by a campus christian organization that drew a spark of my attention, so I decided to sit in with the small audience of maybe 20-30 people to see what the fuss was about.  There was a guest speaker, a very African man adorned in colorful tribal gear and ethnic knick-knacks, and a thick, heavy accent that, while being quite charming, made it exhausting to understand a thing he was saying.  All I remember is “we gata steek toogedda! steek toogedda my braddas! my braddas!” And then he ushered the small group of onlookers to physically draw in closer, to get more intimate with him and each other.  This is when I and all of my social awareness started to become slightly uncomfortable.  I’ll keep my distance, thank you.  The next part of this event was nothing short of awkward and amazing at the same time.  Some of the members of the hosting christian organization stepped forward and they, along with the African man began singing and dancing to some African culture-inspired gospel songs.  My attention is fixed on one young white guy, and let me tell you… I’m not really a mean person, but this guy… he was a nerd. Straight up, darth vader worshipping, excaliber swords and daggers, taped glasses, sock-exposed kind of nerd. And to make it worse, his singing sounded like a group of hyenas and donkeys decided to have a party and start singing together. Observational description, not trying to be mean, mostly because during those 5 minutes of shockingly abandoned praise to God, I fell in love with the nerd. In all of his embarrassing displays of social kills and musical illiteracy, the boy had passion- his passion for God, and for world peace and love and whatever else they were advocating.  And here I was, unwilling to even move up a couple rows in order to maintain my trivial outward cool of apathy and uninvolvement of a cause that I do in fact believe in.  I had to give it to him at that moment.  He was way cooler than me.

It brings me some solace to know that I have, in fact, matured somewhat over the past couple years.  I remember when the world used to be all about me, especially when times got tough.  I felt justified in my depression, convinced that someone/something had hurt and wronged me of my rights to pursue happyness, and that this happyness of mine, being of such a precious nature, in its tampering, authorized me to spew my woes onto not only others but to myself and my well-being. 

If ever there is a more practical lesson to learn, it’s that people are never quite as honest as you’d like them to be in the real world, and that well, frankly, we are never quite as honest to others or ourselves as we’d hope to be either.  It’s no surprise then, that we spend a lot of our lives in a circular game of tag n’ chase, chasing after a false truth made up in our psyche and egged on by the dishonest other.  But I think that’s just life.  And that’s why we can’t take life too seriously.  Besides, once you take your eyes off of yourself and observe what’s around you, you’ll see buck teeth and freckles and wonderful social disasters, and it’ll help you to get by. Well…sort of.

 

This is one of my favorite music vids.
Great song by Keane – “Bedshaped”