A beautiful mess.

I don’t know what it is about the holidays that compels me to write. Something about the disturbance in the mundane and ordinary that sort of prods me into reflection. Something like that. Or I’m just bored as hell.

So it’s a new year, and I’m supposed to talk about New Year’s resolutions and all my hopes and dreams on how this year will be grand and how I will finally magically morph into this brilliantly perfect human being. I actually can’t remember the last time I made a New Year’s resolution. Wait, I lie, I made one last year, but only because for some reason, church people love to do group-y activities like going around in a circle and sharing your goals, ambitions, dreams, your whole life story…and New Year’s resolutions. I guess it’s supposed to make you feel closer and more bonded with each other and whatnot, although quite honestly, I’m pretty sure everyone is sitting there silently hoping the person before them will keep talking so they have more time to madly fabricate a resolution that will appear to be one they were awarded after weeks and weeks of pensive deliberation, and perhaps even some dutiful prayer. But in the end, they aren’t creative enough and end up saying something generic like, “I want to lose weight this year”, or “I want to be better to my family”. Last year, I got too distracted being amused (sarcasm) by other people’s generic resolutions that I didn’t have enough time to come up with my own and before I knew it was my turn… so I ended up saying, “I want to work out more this year”. Go me.

I remember a cliché quote a friend had sarcastically recited to me once after braving through my rant about how much my life resembled a pile of dog feces. It went something like, “Live every day like it is New Years Day, like it is a new beginning, a fresh start, a second chance at the life you wish to own.” Something you might imagine reading in one of those self-help books. Naturally, I rolled my eyes and told my friend to never give me advice again.

I’ve never been too big on the whole New Years hype, except for the excuse to wear shiny tiaras and short dresses and get foolishly intoxicated off of champagne. New Years, to me, was just another day in the calendar, a continuation of time and space, the day after the last with a slight change in its name. Crime rates do not decrease, bad habits don’t die, and diseases don’t get cured. Just another beginning to another end… Don’t hate the cynic.

Strangely enough though…this year, I find myself wanting to allow myself to succumb to the hype, to really actually believe that this year will be different. And that the idea of a fresh start, a “second chance at the life you wish to own” is not just a cliché phrase to scoff at, but a reality veiled under a curtain of doubt and pessimism. I suppose when you are in a place where change is so desperately needed and that shaggy winter coat has long been ready to be shed, a “new beginning” holds a certain appeal. To me it’s like a medium-sized box, set some distance away from me – it’s wrapped in the most dazzling and beautiful wrapping paper, like the kind you see in an upscale Macy’s holiday display, and it taunts me, challenges me with its loud colors and shiny ribbons, demanding to be unwrapped and realized, it’s mystery and glory unveiled. But, I wonder if it’s just a mirage, like the golden presents in the department stores, pretty on the outside, hallow and empty cardboard in the inside.

2011 was many things for me. 365 days of great moments that swell your heart with pride and joy at its recollection…365 days of horrible memories that you try so hard to squeeze out of your psyche, but still manage to, once in a while, squeeze back in and shrivel you down to the bone. 365 days of love and laughter, of regret and disappointments, encounters and hello’s, break-ups and goodbye’s. 365 opportunities to wake up and “live like it’s New Year’s Day”, with renewed drive to make the most of every moment, to salvage the blessing of being alive, healthy, fed. Yet, when I look back… sadly, so many of those opportunities fell wastefully down the drain. What was I passionate about? What accomplishments am I proud of? What did I learn? How did I make a difference? How much did I love…? It brings me sadness to think that so much of the year was spent in just that – sadness. Somehow, I allowed myself to be defeated by so many different things – family, friends, God, men. Sometimes, you strive so hard to be the person you envision yourself to be, to have the perfect life you think you should have, to be loved by those you want it from the most, that all the while you are trying so hard…you forget to enjoy it all.

So, if I had to decide on a New Year’s resolution, that’s what it would be. 2011 ended in heartbreak, but I’d like to start 2012 with a smile. Because despite it all, I am thankful for the people who were in my life and are in my life, in all the ways they have enriched it, and because I still believe that God can somehow turn all that mess into something beautiful. That is worth smiling about. =)